Sunday, October 26, 2008

Oh the places my mind can (and will) go...

(This picture has nothing to do with the post - I just wanted to share a cute picture of my dog!)

I have all these deep thoughts running through my mind and I'm trying to decide what to do with them. Oh, they aren't like the once obsessive (a/k/a beating a dead horse) thoughts, but thoughts that are sort of swirling around. The part of "what to do with them" is really more of a "should I put these thoughts on this blog for others to see?".

I've come to realize that I need some real life friends. It's not like I don't have any friends, but I don't really seem to have anyone I can truly share myself with. There are things I need (and want) to discuss and with my current group of friends, it's just not happening, nor is it going to. I don't know if we all have on our "church masks" and just want everyone to think everything is GREAT or if we're just afraid to really open up to each other, possibly for fear of what the other might really think of us. (Well, see, I don't really have this problem. My problem is sometimes sharing too much with people, although with Mama Siesta's help, I've been learning some know...) But, I'm having things go on in my life and I just need to have someone I can talk to!!

I do have a husband and he's a wonderful man, but sometimes I feel the need to talk about things happening in our lives with someone other than him. You know that feeling? Where you want to talk to your spouse about things, but it only seems to make things worse rather than better? I mean, he told me a few months ago that he's been upset with me over a year (probably longer) and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me. Now, that's just frustrating...

My situation (of having difficulty finding Christian friends with whom I can share intimate details of my life) sort of reminds me what I imagine people face when they are trying to decide if they want to participate in the Celebrate Recovery ministry at our church. Folks just don't want to admit they have habits, hurts and hangups. We're all just happy plastic people, acting life nothing is ever wrong. Folks don't want to be one of "those" people. Well I'm not one of those plastic people. I know I have issues galore and there is only One who can help me with them.

This morning, while I'm standing on the stage, singing (sorta) with the worship choir, I found out that one of our church members died. It was all I could do to hold it together while I was up there. I felt like I was sucker punched! Fred was a very integral part of our Celebrate Recovery ministry and he was our CR Leader's boyfriend. We just had a CR leader's meeting last weekend, where I sat with Fred and joked with him. When prayer time came, I was able to ask what happened. Fred, 50, died of a massive heart attack while he was waxing his car. (When I told my husband, he said "guess I won't wax my car then" ha ha :.) I reconcile myself knowing that he is at Home now. I also know he had a great testimony for the Lord and he used that testimony to help bring others to Christ and to battle their addictions.

*shaking head* It's been quite a day. This morning Pastor Paul was talking about sometimes things appear to get worse before they get better, but to the Lord, He does His best work in us when we are broken. Can I get an Amen?? He's loves us broken folks!

I guess I just need some pick me up today. I need to be still and listen to what my Father has to say to me. Give it all to Him and then listen to what He has to say. He's really got the best advice ;). Thanks for sticking around and reading this rambly ramble! (Maybe I should look down at that passage of scripture below...)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11


TCKK said...

First of all, that picture of your dog is so cute.

I'm sorry about the death of your friend. But it's good to know he was ready to go home. At least that makes it easier to know he's in a better place even though it leaves a hole here when we lose a friend.

Might I make a suggestion? My husband and I pray each night for our girls and one of the things we pray is that God will provide them with good christian friends that can encourage them in their walk with Him. Maybe you could pray the same thing for yourself. God loves to give us the desires of our heart when they are in His will and I believe having good friends would probably be in His will.

Be encouraged and ask God for a friend and believe that He will provide. I'll say a prayer for you too.