I have so much rambling around in my mind but it's so hard to get it all out. Mostly, though, this year has just been tough. In preparing last year to go to India, I was told of various things that would probably happen. I was also told that many people have problems when they return (spiritual warfare). I thought I had escaped the "return home". I returned home; had a great Christmas; spent time with my husband and kids; took some various courses on prayer; life was going well. Then, in March, the bottom fell out and my husband left. Even though it has been 8, almost 9, months, I'm still in shock.
You know how you ask someone "What happened?" and expect she'll know the answer. Well, in this case, I honestly don't know. I can theorize all day long, and I have, but I am not sure he even knows. I changed everything in our marriage when I really started growing in relationship with God and maybe that's just it. I do know that regardless of why, it's happening and it's hard. But ... does anything ever happen without a reason?
In India, one of my friends told me to meditate on Psalm 27. It was "mine". Have you read 27:14? "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" I remember saying.."The only thing I see is 'wait'. I don't wanna wait". Well beloved, I'm learning how to wait on the Lord (and other people). I'm learning to trust in Him, to rely on His promises, to believe in Him.
After all these months, I can see other parts of this beautiful passage. Have you read verses 7 and 8: "Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! [Oh and He has!] 8 You have said, “Seek my face.”My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” [Oh yes I do!]
How about? v4 "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple."
I wish I could say that I have all the answers and that I have handled this situation beautifully, but I don't and I haven't. I have had much support from my family, coworkers and friends. I know so many people have kept me lifted up in prayer because there have been times when I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I have received a lot of encouragement - so much that I'll never be able to thank you. God has shown me those who are His hands and feet.
Thank you, Abba, for sending Your love and encouragement through people that could only be sent by You. You are truly my Jehovah-Jireh and You have been my Jehovah-Shalom. Thank You for giving me strength to face each day. Any good people have seen in this situation, let them know it was from You. The only thing I ask for is that I continue to seek Your face.
Psalm 27 (ESV)